This morning, I saw my hand for the first time—without the feeling of shock. In my mind, I have been blocking the change that took place. My hand has felt and looked so different to me that I have been unconsciously rejecting it. The pain with movement, the frustration with not being able to move it (like I wanted), and the constant struggle to do anything with it has caused me to resist the change of it.
Even though I am so grateful for my hand and a thumb, totally changing how I do things is so hard! A few days ago, I broke down and cried because I couldn’t fix my hair like I used to. I couldn’t remember how I had once curled my hair nor could I figure out a new way. The process took forever and I was so frustrated. But the moment that I asked God to help me, to show me a new way to use my hand, it clicked and I was able to see a different way.
It’s the same way with cooking, driving, exercising, working, and every time that I pick something up . My hand does not work at all like it used to. Trying to figure out the process of cooking, I nicked my thumb with a knife because I still can’t feel the end of my thumb well. Instead of getting frustrated and asking my husband for help, I continued to try—until I was able to figure it out.
While I know that the process takes time, it is still hard to endure. And now I realize that I have been standing in my own way. I have been trying to do things the old way, but those ways will not work for me any longer. I have to embrace the change and realize that God will provide me with a new way to do all things.
This morning as I reached down to get something I looked at my hand, and I really saw the beauty of it. I smiled as I realized that I had finally accepted it—the scars, struggles, and beautiful miracle of it. Now the devil can no longer use the power of the pain and uncertainty to hurt me any longer. My heart is open and I am welcoming the change. Praise God.
What a journey this has been for me! Now I understand why God encouraged me to write about the process and share it daily. He knew that writing about it would help me to heal and figure it out sooner, rather than later. Today as I found myself getting frustrated about a situation, I stopped, took a deep breathe, and realized that this is going to make an excellent story for a new book or when I take the stage again.
Have a wonderful day!