For days, I’ve been fighting a negative mindset. Even though I’ve tried constantly to change it, I just couldn’t seem to get to where I needed to be. I couldn’t see beyond my heartaches to truly find the joy. And it made me so mad at myself.
Suddenly, I was the little girl who shoved her hands in her pockets again. I found myself looking for the stares that were once such a painful part of my life, and feeling so insecure. My hand feels awkward and it makes me feel uncomfortable because I still haven’t figured out how to control it.
I went to bed last night feeling defeated. Before I fell asleep, I asked God to help me.This morning I woke up with a whole new perspective and mindset.
Going through the surgery and seeing my hand pieced together by stitches was traumatic for me. Even though I knew it was going to happen and I had peace about it all, still the process was hard. Then, I’ve had phantom pain for days in the part of my hand that was removed. It was a constant reminder to me that part of my hand was gone—and I chose to lose it. It made me feel guilty. I didn’t realize it, but the constant pain for days, and the shock of seeing my hand had made me feel like a victim again.
No one understands how I feel.
When that thought entered my mind it jolted me. Right away I recognized it as an old thought, and it helped me to break my negative thought pattern. This morning I was able to see my situation differently. I am a survivor. I survived the trauma, and I will overcome the challenges. Once my mindset changed, I was able to overcome the negative feelings and truly feel the gratitude in my heart. I lost part of my hand, but I gained a thumb.
The devil will put our blessings in the same category as our heartaches, if we are not careful. He will make us focus on what we have lost, instead of what we have gained. And if he can create enough fear, he can talk us into hating our blessings.
Now I know that I have to love myself through this process. I have to replace the fear with love and be kind to myself. I love that God made a way for me, when it appeared that there was no way. He loves me and I know that He will help me every step of the way.
Sometimes I think that God puts us into situations to help us grow and learn the power of empathy. By experiencing this situation and overcoming it, I will be able to use the knowledge that I have learned to help others. My God is so wonderful. He can take my challenges and heartaches and use them to help others. I love that He never gives up on me. Even when I have my face down into the ditch, He is there with me. He encourages me, loves me, strengthens me, and always gives me a glimmer of hope.
Today I got an x-ray of my hand. I thought you might like to see a before and after. The views are a little different, but you can still since the incredible difference.
I'm sorry if I have been confusing or constantly repeating myself. This is a process, and I'm trying to be as vulnerable as possible and allow you to walk through this journey with me.