Independence: The Beauty of Finding Your Own Way

Asking for help is one of the hardest things for me to do. Regardless of my struggle, I believe that I can do it. It’s a natural reaction for me, and I don’t even pause to consider if I actually need help or not. Throughout my life, I have always been able to find a modification for everything.

Once, as a baby, I insisted on feeding myself with only one finger on my left hand because my right arm was in a sling. It took me longer to eat, but I managed it. My mom was both aggravated and proud. But she is the one who always told me, “You can do anything, Candida. Find your own way!”

And I loved discovering my inner strength and accomplishing the complicated. Having someone do the difficult tasks for me would have hindered me. Always waiting for others to help me would become a limitation, disadvantage, handicap, and ultimately cause me to become a burden to others.

All of the things, I never want to become.

Independent and strong is the type of person that beckons to me. When we constantly rely on others, we put our dreams and life in their hands. Accepting help on occasion, however, is not a bad thing.

At the grocery store a few days ago, something fell off my cart in the parking lot and became lodged under the tire. The cart inclined and I struggled to hold it with one hand and pick up the item. A kind woman stopped and picked it up for me. I was thankful for her help, but I’m sure if she would have asked me first that I would have refused her help. Not intentionally, just automatically. Eventually, I would have figured out how to do it myself because that’s the way I’m programmed.

When someone offers kindness we should accept and acknowledge it for what it is. Nevertheless, we should still do the things we can do, and always give more than we take. Otherwise we come to expect kindness without appreciating it. And unintentionally take advantage of people.

Just like with God. He wants us to ask Him for help, but He also expects us to do the things we can do for ourselves. We can’t just quit our job and expect God to provide our needs. Or stop seeking Him and expect Him to bless our lives abundantly. Accountability for our own lives is important, and so many people these days expect others to care for them.

I’m truly thankful for my stubbornness, strength and independence. It enables me to grow and prosper into the person God created me to be. Relying on others, doesn’t force me out of my comfort zone or challenge me in any way. We need to learn how to become comfortable with the uncomfortable, and embrace the curve balls of life. The more I struggle to do things for myself, the more I am able to accomplish; which, in turn, boosts my confidence and helps me with future trials.

Just so we are clear, my family helps me tremendously. We all take turns with the chores and responsibilities, but I never use my challenges as a way to get out of certain tasks. Even when I had a really hard time walking a few months ago, I wouldn’t allow my family to cater my needs or for my husband to carry me. That would have been the easier option for me, but I knew, in my heart, if they made it easy for me to stay in bed that I may never walk again.

While there is no shame in asking for help when needed, I also believe that every once in a while we should help ourselves. So I’m going to continue embracing my independence.

What do you all think?

 

The Struggle: How to Overcome the Impossible

Tuesday, I couldn’t decide if I wanted to cry or go back to bed. My body ached and I couldn’t seem to get past the misery. I moped around and finally drug myself to gym—expecting my workout to lift my spirits. My experience, however, was not what I hoped for.

My body felt heavy and uncooperative. Ignoring all negativity, I decided to run. It was hard, okay brutal. My rib hurt, a blister developed on my foot after the first mile, and my legs were heavy. Being the stubborn person that I am, I refused to give up—even when my legs felt numb. So I pushed beyond my limits.

And then the treadmill just stopped. I was furious. It was like the machine knew that I didn’t have enough sense to step off, so it just quit. Instead of stretching and leaving, I went to the elliptical for a few miles. Every movement hurt and I realized after two miles that I couldn’t do it. I tried to dig deep, but I had nothing left to give. Defeated, I grabbed my things and left.

At the time, I couldn’t see that I had still managed three miles with numbness and tingling in my feet and legs. Then I remembered my daddy’s words of wisdom, “You’re doing better than what you think”.

Instead of feeling better though, I dwelled on what I couldn’t do. And I believed what I had always assumed and been told.

Running was impossible for me—especially with a twisted pelvis and a foot affected by Amniotic Band Syndrome.

It was so hard for me to accept my limitations. But I tried. I even attempted to forgive my body for not being able to do something I truly wanted to do. Who am I kidding? It hurt. And I don’t like the disability card. Ever!

So I went back for one more attempt on Thursday. And I decided to try a new approach. When I set the treadmill to run the 5k, I began with a smile and praise for my Lord. As my feet pounded, I thanked God for every step, and for letting me not only walk that day, but for the ability to run. I prayed for all of those who are not able to walk and run, those fighting for their lives, and those who have heartaches and troubles.

When I reached the part where my whole body ached, I put one foot in front of the other and smiled at my reflection. I was only a mile into my run, when the screen showed that my course would get harder. For a moment, I wanted to stop. Step off the machine and agree with the doctors and the negative voice in my head—that I couldn’t run.

Then I realized it is during the most challenging times in our lives that we learn how to overcome. My legs were still moving. It was my mind that wanted to give up. So I focused on how it would feel to complete my course. And I’ll be quite honest, I imagined every time my foot came down that I was stopping on the devil, who threatened to steal my hopes and dreams.

With my heart and spirit, I finished my first 5k program. It took me 40 minutes to do my impossible.  I can do anything with God on my side.

While my aches and pains prove that I fought the battle, I also have the victory written in my heart. And that victory will remind me on the tough days to keep my eyes on my Lord.

Last year when walking was difficult for me, I lay in my bed and peddled an exercise bike that sat on my bed. When my feet were numb and painful, I pushed with my heart and the determination that I would get better.

The enemy will take our lives if we allow it. We need to fight with every ounce of strength we can manage. Every day we are in the biggest battle of our lives, and we get to decide what kind of solider we want to be. I want to fight a good fight. If we give up every time our course gets tough then we will never reach our full potential.

We have no idea what we are capable of until we try.  I have no limits, only possibilities waiting to be conquered.

Fighting Back

I loved to blog! At least I did until the devil convinced me otherwise. Negative thoughts broke through my defenses and persuaded me to stop. So I listened.

A yearning, however, to write, share, and connect with others still beckoned to me. For a while, I even believed my writing wasn’t good enough to share. Then I concluded this is my journal—my thoughts, feelings, and hardships. It’s not about writing perfect, but about being real.

So let’s catch up!

Perhaps the reason I stopped sharing was because my emotions were all over the place. It’s been a roller coaster ride with my health. And, I guess, I just needed time to adjust, especially when the bad news was delivered.

Hearing things like “You’ll never get better.” “You’re disabled.” “You should quit your job and focus on finding a treatment.” hurts on so many levels.

It’s even harder when my body confirms what my mind hears. Every day that a new nodule surfaces or a new location swells upsets me. When I can barely walk or use my hands, it scares me. Because even though I try to remain positive and walk by faith, my subconscious wonders. If what I’ve been told my whole life is true.

Is my body incurable? Will I get worse?

Even though I try to be focused, determined, and positive about it all, still I struggle at times. I don’t want the enemy to destroy me! So I have decided to try a different approach and work on self-healing. I already know and understand that God is not going to heal my physical scars (and I truly don’t want Him to), but I believe that He can help me overcome my hardships. Instead of being upset with my body, I want to nurture and love it. I want to be the best me that I can be! And by no means am I ready to give up! This is my life and I refuse to allow anyone or anything to take it from me!

My wellness plan:

·        Pray

·        Seek God’s guidance and wisdom

·        Read His word daily

·        Spend more time with loved ones

·        Laugh often

·        Smile

·        Healthy, gluten free lifestyle

·        Exercise at least five times a week

·        Take vitamins and herbs for the conditions

·        Try to get at least 7 hours of sleep each night

·        Meditate

·        Keep a gratitude journal

·        Write as often as possible

·        Ultimately believe that my body will heal

·        Love unconditionally

·        Continue on my life’s purpose

·        Find the problem areas in my life and work on fixing them

·        Spend at least a few minutes each day outside

·        Ignore the negative voice always trying to stop and hurt me

·        Be brave

·        Be optimistic

·        Be an Overcomer

Is there a part of your life that needs nurturing? Are you the best you that you can be? I truly believe that we all have the ability to overcome our hardships. I recently read a quote that stated pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.

This day I was in so much pain that it took everything inside me just to smile.
 

The Survivor: How I found acceptance through Zippy

I will never forget the horrid feeling of being bullied. Words, sharp as knives, swiped at me over and over until it felt as if I would crumble. I remember trying to escape the pain and running to my safe haven. Looked inside a bathroom stall at school, restrained tears fell and begged God for help.

Scarred and ashamed, I believed the nasty words. When the bully yelled that I was ugly, it just confirmed what my heart already thought. And when they made fun of my scars, I had tried to pray away, my heart broken into a million pieces. Their words were so devastating and heartbreaking because I had already thought the same things daily. Even though the pain was unbearable, I kept it locked inside me. I didn’t want to share my feelings or heartache with anyone.

The day I looked into a coffin of a child, who had taken her own life, my feelings changed and my heart decided to do something to help. Years prior that could have been me. There was a time when I begged God to remove me from my pain—when I no longer wanted to live.

In my efforts to help others, I penned a children’s book about a little zebra without stripes.

But I couldn’t get it right. One million drafts later, God opened my eyes and allowed me to see things differently. When I finally wrote the ending, a lifetime of burdens and heartaches were destroyed. My scars and condition no longer hurt me. Acceptance is powerful. It transforms our heartaches into blessings.

My scars were no longer a burden, but beautiful blessings. God did not curse me with scars. He blessed me with life. The only thing about my life that changed was how I viewed it. We can cry over all of the things we don’t have, or we can learn to be thankful for our unique blessings. Sometimes we put too much thought into what we want for our lives ,and fail to see that God has a greater purpose for us. All I wanted was unscarred hands, arm, and foot, but God gave me so much more.

Every day I’m thankful to be alive and for the opportunity to raise my children. I’m so thankful to go into schools and promote kindness and encourage everyone to celebrate their differences and life. My scars have transformed me into a stronger person. I’m more compassionate and willing to help others along their journey.

I have learned that words and actions can only hurt us if we allow them to. Stares and whispers no longer have any control over me. All a stranger might see is my scars, but it is up to me to show them my heart. If they are staring at me that just means I have their undivided attention, and should use that moment to reflect God.

I know that every single day comes with challenges and obstacles, but I’m so grateful for each one. If given the choice, I would keep my scars. And I pray every day God will bless me to help someone in some way.

 “Zippy and the Stripes of Courage” is free on Amazon June 22, 23, and 24 only. I sincerely hope that you will download your free copy and share the information with others. You never know who might be struggling with their own issues and would benefit from reading Zippy’s story. 

http://www.amazon.com/Zippy-Stripes-Courage-ebook/dp/B0079LCLDM/ref=sr_1_4_title_1_kin?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1371903964&sr=1-4&keywords=Candida+Sullivan

It can be downloaded on the kindle, kindle app for iPhone and iPad, or your computer using the free kindle app.

While I’m no poet, this poem slipped out.

The Survivor

Past….

Scarred and ashamed
Filled with pain
Afraid to live
Bound by fears

 

Present….

God and acceptance
Squelched the bonds
Purpose and thankfulness
Transformed the inside

 

Future…

Now a window to God
Inspiring and helping others
A testimony of power
Reflecting God’s ultimate plan

 

The Test

Our ability to prevail comes from inside of us all. It is our gift from God.

I parked at the end of the long, parking lot. It took me several minutes to climb out of my vehicle, and then another minute or so to convince myself to take that first step toward the store. I limped and each step was difficult, but not impossible. (I leave the closer spaces for someone who needs them.)

By the time I got inside the store my legs trembled. Overwhelmed, my eyes filled with tears. Every step became even more difficult. I stopped in the aisle and called my husband. I wanted to bury my head in his shoulder and allow him to carry me out of the store. When he answered the phone, he sounded busy so I swallowed my tears and didn’t mention my dilemma.

Even though I was alone, God was with me. He encouraged me to try –take one step, then another. With tears in my eyes and pain shaking my whole body, God gave me a test. Give up or try. Those were my only options. A part of me wanted to give up, but something greater urged me to try.

I John 4:4 KJV

Ye are of God, little children, and have overcome them: because greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world.

I stood up tall, wiped my tears, and smiled. With every step, God showed me that true strength comes from Him. Our enemy is powerless against God.

The next few weeks were tough, and I worried about the next obstacle. It got even harder after my knee locked and I fell one Sunday morning, but I still hobbled to church. Sometimes it’s hard to smile, when I’m so scared, and the devil continuously torments me.

Overwhelmed and feeling defeated, I decided to buy practical, comfortable shoes. None of the shoes appealed to me, and the thought of giving up made me ill. So instead of comfortable and practical, I bought red high heels. Just holding them gave me courage and hope.

A few weeks later, I had a school visit. I had bought every shoe support imaginable, but nothing helped. Determined to go to my visit, I pulled out my heels. It seemed crazy, but they boosted my spirit and gave me hope of a better day. Sometimes all we need is possible.

I completed the school visit in my heels, without limping, and rejoiced inside for my victory. When I pulled into the grocery store, I reached into the back for my comfortable shoes. And then, I stopped.

With two cysts and superficial blood clots in my leg, I stepped out of my vehicle in heels, prepared to stomp my fears. Not only did I walk without limping or tears, but I smiled.

My feet and leg ached, but I ignored the pain. When I finished my shopping, I bought a beautiful bouquet to celebrate my life and ability to overcome.

Every day brings new challenges for me. Now I have cyst or nodules on the joints in my hands, elbows, and knee along with my other challenges. But I still exercised this morning and worked today. I’ve scheduled five new events and conquered my fears. I can’t allow the worries and what-ifs of tomorrow to stop me. God expects us to walk by faith for Him. One God Moment can triumph a million negative thoughts.

I may fail God, but He will never fail me.

 How do you overcome your challenges?

What I Learned Being a Caregiver for My Wife by Cameron Von St. James

We all need some inspiration from time to time! So I decided to dedicate the month of April to “Overcoming Circumstances” on my blog.

Ladies and gentlemen, I would love to introduce you to Cameron Von St. James.

On November 21, 2005, my wife was diagnosed with malignant pleural mesothelioma, and it was a day I will never forget. On this day, I took the role of caregiver in my wife’s life, and I was not prepared. Three months prior to Heather’s mesothelioma diagnosis, we celebrated the birth of our first child, Lily. When we received the diagnosis, I thought we would be celebrating our first Thanksgiving and Christmas with Lily, but instead our world was in chaos over planning Heather’s treatment.

As her caregiver, I had to help make decisions about Heather’s cancer treatment. We had three choices laid out for us by Heather’s physician: the local university hospital, a specialist in Boston, or a regional hospital that was very good, but lacked a specific mesothelioma program. My wife was still so in shock and terrified about the diagnosis that I had to make the decision myself, and emphatically, I told the doctor, “Get us to Boston!”  I felt that seeing a mesothelioma specialist would be the best course of action for Heather, and I wanted her to get the very best treatment available.

The two months following the diagnosis were chaotic. In the past, Heather and I worked full time. After her diagnosis, she was not able to work, and I could only work part time while caring for her and Lily. I was overwhelmed with responsibilities such as spending time at my wife’s doctor’s appointments, making travel arrangements, going to Boston for treatments and providing care for Lily.  The list of tasks on my plate grew and grew by the day, and I often felt as if I would crumble under the pressure.

I also remember thinking we are going to end up broke, with our drastically reduced income and our ever-expanding bills.  This only added to my immense stress.  As hard as I tried to stay positive, I often had terrible thoughts that my wife might die, and I would be left a homeless widower with a baby to raise all on my own. When I was faced with this type of fear, I would lie down on my kitchen floor and cry my eyes out. Even though I felt helpless, I never allowed Heather to see me in these moments of weakness. I wanted to remain strong for her, and I knew that the last thing she needed was to see my fears.

Without the help of family, friends, and even strangers, I would not have been able to do it. They offered us everything from desperately needed financial assistance to kind, comforting words. We are so grateful for all the help we received, and we advise everyone who has cancer to accept any help offered.  It took me a while to let go of my pride and start accepting these offers, but I learned that there is no room for pride in a cancer fight. No matter how big or small, it all helps, and will remind you that you are not alone.

I learned that being a caregiver is filled with uncertainty and stress. It may be the most difficult challenge of your life that you cannot walk away from. You will have bad days, but don’t give up hope. Use your resources to help you remain sane.

It took many years for life to return to normal after Heather’s surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy. Despite the terrible diagnosis and frightening odds against her, Heather battled through and remained strong and determined while doing it.  Today, over seven years later, she is healthy and cancer free.  Mesothelioma is no longer a part of our lives, and we hope that by sharing our story of hope and success, we can help others currently battling cancer today. 

http://www.mesothelioma.com/blog/authors/cameron/ 

Raising a Child With a Limb Difference! by Katie Kolberg Memmel

We all need some inspiration from time to time! So I decided to dedicate the month of April to “Overcoming Circumstances” on my blog.

Ladies and gentlemen, I would love to introduce you to Katie Kolberg Memmel!

“Love your kids like crazy! Be strong and bold advocates for your children. Through your strong example they will, in turn, grow to be strong and bold advocates – not only for themselves, but for others as well… and for the world around them.”  

A quote from “Five Fingers, Ten Toes – A Mother’s Story of Raising a Child Born With a Limb Difference” by Katie Kolberg Memmel

Over the past couple of years, I’ve connected with many inspiring people via the internet – including Candida Sullivan. I just love how broadly the internet impacts (in good ways) the world we live in - don’t you? When Candida asked if I’d guest write for her blog this month, I felt honored. She told me that April’s theme would be “Overcoming Circumstances.” I want to thank her for this unique opportunity, and allowing me to share my story with you. Hopefully my insights will make a positive difference.  

As I pondered her theme, I decided that the most basic advice I can offer is this: in order to overcome circumstances, we need to first acknowledge that there is an issue that requires overcoming. And once acknowledged, we need to take action. I do not believe there is a human being on this earth – past, present or future – that didn’t or won’t have something that they need (or want) to overcome. Certainly, each person views their circumstances differently – some present upbeat and positive outlooks, while others complain and sulk – but nonetheless, there’s something that each individual is working on. Guaranteed!

In my younger years, all I dreamed of was to become a mother. So, in 1985 when my husband and I found out I was expecting, we eagerly anticipated our brand new roles of mommy and daddy. Though I’d received decent pre-natal care, ultrasounds were not performed routinely back then. Entering the delivery room, we had no idea what was about to happen. I gave my last push and the doctor exclaimed, “It’s a boy!” At the age of 24, I had given birth to my first child, Tony Memmel – and he was born missing his left forearm and hand.

People talk negatively about “judging.” But in all fairness, I believe there are times that I don’t think we have a choice. I find that judgments of many varieties are made easily and spontaneously. Why, without hesitation my doctor – a professional who’d witnessed hundreds of births - instantly judged our new situation. Though his mouth was covered with a surgical mask, I could read the shocked look in his eyes, and knew something was wrong. My husband also judged the situation as he gently turned my head toward his chest, sheltering me from seeing my newborn son. And when I wriggled free, I also immediately judged. From that very first minute I wondered everything a young parent might wonder: What now? Is everything else okay? Will he crawl? Will he hold a bottle? Will he have friends, play sports or music? Will he ever get married? Before my son had a name on his birth certificate, I’d negatively plotted out his entire life…

I loved my baby – please never doubt that. However, I’m never very proud to admit that I cried about his arm - in fact I cried really hard. I just didn’t know what the future would hold for my sweet baby boy.

About a week into my motherhood adventure, my pastor asked me a thought-provoking question. “Kate, have you considered that God might use this situation for His larger purpose?” 

Ummm, no… I have not considered that. Can God really use a situation like this for His greater good?  I liked the thought and decided it may have merit. With this new thought in mind, Todd and I set out to raise a happy, confident, and independent young man. Piece of cake…

Because of my own early snap judgments, I assumed that other people would judge our situation too. Their possible negative opinions of our new family made me afraid to go out into public with my baby. Often when a stranger admired Tony, they’d notice his arm and become quiet – awkward. At that time, it would have been easier for me to simply stay home.

But a persistent voice kept talking inside my head… How will you raise a happy, confident and independent young man if you never expose him to the outside world? You need to go - get out of the house!  Sometimes the voice had no name. Other times the voice came through loving family members or friends who wanted the best for us, and encouraged my participation in any and all events.

Remembering my pastor’s question, I forced myself out – no more hiding. If the location seemed scary, I figured it was even more important to go. Consequently, Tony and I went everywhere - the mall, the beach, pools, getting fit for prosthetics. When I felt sad and needed to talk about our situation with other people, I acknowledged that emotion and sought support from those who’d gone through similar situations before me.

Along the way, something interesting happened. I got good at confrontation. I learned to look up, make eye contact, and answer questions without crying (although there were days I went home and cried – not going to lie). Through these encounters, I chose to present myself as an educator - welcoming rather than discouraging questions from others. Through this repetition, my son heard my answers and learned his own truth. Every step I took was a step he took - and eventually, he found his own voice. “I was born this way,” he began to say boldly.

Were kids ever cruel or judgmental? Sure, you bet! So are adults! So are siblings! And in the beginning, so was I, right? People can be cruel and judgmental in every scenario of life. It helped me to remember that whether someone has one arm, or freckles, or glasses, or braces, or red hair, or green snow pants, or shoes that don’t tie, or straight (or curly) hair – the list is never-ending - if someone has it in for us, they’ll be cruel. BUT, I’ve found that the best defense is a good offense. I asked myself what can I offer this situation - Kindness? Humor? Constructive sarcasm? I needed to acknowledge my issues and take action. What might have happened if I’d hid in my house after Tony was born? What if I hadn’t challenged myself to figure out our new situation? Our life may have turned out very differently.

As things turned out, Tony Memmel has become an inspiring and talented man of faith. He’s a college graduate, a public speaker, a musician, a traveling singer/songwriter, who’s married to a beautiful young woman (Lesleigh). He hasn’t let his arm stop him from doing anything he’s wanted to do, including playing the guitar. For his schedule and information, visit www.tonymemmel.com.  

 In 2012, at the age of 50, I proudly wrote and published my very first book, “Five Fingers, Ten Toes – A Mother’s Story of Raising a Child Born With a Limb Difference.” (Read reviews at www.katiekolbergmemmel.com.) It chronicles my/our parenting and family’s experiences of raising Tony. The book is a labor of my deepest love for my family. If you choose to read our full story, I hope you enjoy it.

God’s Blessings to each of you as you overcome your own circumstances.

Katie Kolberg Memmel’s “Five Fingers, Ten Toes…” is available through Amazon as both a Kindle download as well as a paperback. http://amzn.com/1478368055.