Are you growing or dying?

Have you ever had a period where you just existed in the world but didn't really live? 

I went through this a decade ago. It was the most challenging time of my life. I wasn't able to work. I lay in bed most days and cried all day. I read books to distract me from the emotional and physical pain.

All I had to do during that period was get up and take my kids to school, yet I struggled. My life felt so hopeless that I didn't want to face it. So I lay in bed as long as I could. Then, when I finally got up and got my kids ready for school, I returned home and crawled into bed. Usually, I cried myself back to sleep.

Now I realize I was depressed because I had no hope for my future. It broke my spirit when my doctors told me I would never get better, only worse. It was the darkest period in my life because I had just accepted my diagnosis and didn't even try to overcome it.

I became so fearful. 

It was hard to leave my house to go to church. I felt as if something terrible was always about to happen. I took three nerve pills daily and still had anxiety attacks. I remember the fear as I struggled to breathe, feeling as if I was going to die.

In some ways, I was dying a little each day. I've learned that we are either growing or dying every day. There is no in-between. My spirit was dying because it didn't have any hope. I couldn't look beyond my circumstances and see a way to overcome them.

Then, God blessed me to start imagining the life I wanted to live. As I fell asleep each night, I imagined holding my books in my hands with children around me. In my dreams, I was healthy—without chronic pain. Seeing the visions of the life I wanted to live helped me get out of bed.

Sometimes all it takes is one step in the right direction. 

I started excising every day. The first few times, I cried through my workouts. Oh, how I wanted to stop and climb back into the safety of my bed. But I persevered and fought for the life I wanted to live.

God made way for me to overcome my circumstances. 

Instead of accepting my fate, I prayed. Each night I started going out onto my deck and talking to the Lord. I told Him of my hopes and dreams. And He heard me. With each challenge, He increased my faith.

During that time, I learned that when hardships come upon us, we can lay down and give up or fight for the life we want. God can make a way where there is no way. He can help us with our every hardship. And He can take our problems and use them to help others.

When I look at where I was and how He delivered me out of my pain, I am so incredibly grateful. God is a way-maker. He is our strength when we are weak. There is nothing beyond His reach. God can help us with all things. We need to ask Him to help us and believe that He will.

Being aware of my choices

Submerged in my prison's depths of pain and dissatisfaction, I forgot that I could open the door and set myself free by making better choices. 

I've been with Eve and the serpent many times in the garden. Whenever I choose between good and evil, I decide whether to help or harm me. And most of the time, the choices feel as small and insignificant as eating an apple, but the impact can be devastating, especially if we choose the wrong things daily. 

Anytime we choose the enemy over the Lord, we harm ourselves in some way. The hurt may not show up immediately, but it compounds over time. It's hard to be in tremendous pain and realize it is a self-punishment for my actions.  

I have so many examples of this in my life. Some of them are so small that I overlook their importance. But I follow the enemy every time I do the opposite of what I know I should do. 

Satan is the one who steals our time. He is the one who beckons for me to sleep and skip my Bible reading time, skip my workout, my writing time, or eat foods that harm my body. The enemy wants us to watch over people's lives so much that we become jealous, discouraged, lazy, unmotivated, and unproductive. And then he wants us to claim that we are happy. 

I can see his work in my life when I read my Facebook memories. Some of my older posts were so negative. I was in total misery and pretending to enjoy it. 

Journaling has helped me to see what I'm thinking and be honest with myself. Sometimes pulling those negative thoughts out of my mind and putting them on paper is all I need to see and recognize the enemy. Once I am aware of him, I can make a better choice. 

Every day I need to ask God to help me see Satan and defeat him. 

Drifting through our days and barely getting by doesn't require much effort nor yield great results. It is like treading water and barely keeping our heads above the water. In that state, I don't have any accomplishments to feel good about, so I seek that feeling somewhere else. 

Shopping, eating junk food, scrolling social media, watching TV, or reading helps me. It gives me a sense of false pleasure. But it doesn't last long, so I need something else to help. That's why it's so easy to scroll one more time, eat one more thing, read one more page, watch a few more minutes, etc. 

However, the pleasure I get from working out, reading my Bible, creating content, walking, or writing is much better. It lasts longer and doesn't make me feel bad afterward. It fills me up instead of making me feel empty. 

When we don't spend time with the Lord, aligned with His purpose for us, we feel an emptiness that nothing else can fill. Trust me I've been trying to fill it the last few years with snacks and social media. I should have realized something was wrong when my thoughts centered around food and social media. But I didn't. 

I continued on the path of unfulfillment and self-sabotage for years because I didn't want to work hard and be uncomfortable. It was easier to lie to myself than it was for me to be honest and open my eyes to the truth. 

Today, I am so thankful for new beginnings. I'm grateful that God helped me to turn it all around. While I still do these things sometimes, now I know why I am doing them. There's a difference between using them occasionally to enhance our day and using them to avoid our day and our lives. 

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

Have a beautiful day!

Candida 

Twenty years of writing, growing, and overcoming

It's been 20 years since I started writing. The tears stung my eyes as I typed that sentence. Oh, what a journey it has been with my Lord. When we started this process, I didn't know my reality of it all would be better than my dreams.

Yesterday, I had a photoshoot with my books. My son used his gift of photography to capture my gift of writing. As I looked at the pictures, I cried. When he was born, something inside of me changed. I wanted to be more and do more for him. I wanted to be a mom with a career he would one day be proud of. He was the reason I started searching for my purpose. 

My son, Cayden Sullivan
Photo by Samantha Blondell

It hit me as I sat there with my books and my son taking my pictures for a magazine to showcase me as an author. I did it!

Photo by Cayden Sullivan

When I started, I didn't know it would take 20 years to discover my true passion for writing and fully see my purpose. But I can see it now. 

I'm tired of fighting it and unintentionally sabotaging myself. I'm tired of playing small and believing the enemy as he tells me I'm not good enough to do this work. 

I am the perfect person to do this work. Why? Because God chose me. That's the only qualification I need. 

During this process, God has given me so many unexpected gifts. 

I love reading my Zippy books to kids. I love sharing my personal story with them and letting them share with me. I love encouraging them to be kind and to dream big. School visits are my favorite days. Even though I saw it in my dreams so many times, nothing prepared me for the gift of being there and experiencing it.

It's so special to connect with another person. My vulnerability with my scars and sharing my emotions have blessed me to connect with so many people. When our eyes connect and, for a moment, we understand each other's pain, it is such a special moment. It lets us both know that we are not alone. Underneath the scars and flesh, we are all the same. 

For so many years, the enemy isolated me and made me feel as if I was unworthy of love and friendship. But through my writing and speaking, God showed me that we all sometimes feel that way. We all have scars, heartaches, fears, insecurities, and trouble feeling good enough. 

While I've made money, received five-star reviews, and had my story featured in TV interviews, radio, newspapers, and magazines worldwide. My books hit the best sellers list on Amazon, and one of my books even won an award. Nothing, however, compares to helping someone who is in pain. 

I still remember the boy who hugged me and told me he was suicidal, but my story gave him the hope to keep going. That's why I do it all. I've been there. I've been in so much pain that I didn't know how to break free. God showed me the way. Now I want to spend the rest of my life helping others learn how to overcome their pain. 

Thank you, sweet friends, for reading my blogs, buying my books, and supporting me fully. You will never know how much your support means to me. 

I'm so thankful for every word I've written in the last 20 years and for the hands that have typed them. Each word has brought me closer to the person I want to become. 

Photo by Cayden Sullivan

Good things are on the horizon. I can feel it. 

Have a wonderful day! 

Opening my eyes to the truth

One of the things I have enjoyed most about this challenge is the sunsets. I've witnessed it many times, yet it still mesmerizes me. Most times, I walk while the sun dips beyond the mountains. 

God created it all for our benefit. So many times, however, I overlook His creation. I get so absorbed in the things that man has made that I fail to enjoy what God has created.

How often have I been thinking about my problems or listening to the radio and never even glanced into the sky? How many times have I wasted my day trying to live in the past or the future? How many masterpieces has God created that I never even noticed?

In the present moment, I can find peace. When I am fully present, seeking God with my whole heart, I can see Him. The wonder of Him is all around us. Most of the time, I am just too busy to notice.

Lately, I have been working on being present. I love it when I can be fully present at the moment. I love it when I can quiet my mind so that I can hear the still, small voice of my Lord. The more I seek Him, the more He speaks to me. When I'm having a conversation with someone, I want to give them my full attention. When reading my Bible, I want to concentrate and try to understand it. Instead of living on autopilot, I want to enjoy my life.

I wash my hands numerous times each day, but I can't even tell you the smell of the soap because I am just going through the motions without paying attention. But I want to start paying attention to the small details of life. I want to take time to enjoy my coffee—instead of rushing through it. Sometimes I finish my cup without even realizing it because I am distracted. Then, I felt disappointed because I didn't enjoy it.

I don't want to finish my course one day and realize that I rushed through my life but never fully lived it. I want to slow down and allow God to show me how to live.

We don't change what we don't acknowledge and measure. 

Regardless of how fast I walk or run, the 45-minute workout doesn't go any quicker. It's still 45 minutes. Knowing this has blessed me with the gift of slowing down and being present. That has been one of the benefits of the challenge. 

When I slip into the stillness each day, it helps me to see my problem areas so I can work on them. There's something profound about being in cold, rainy, windy conditions that cause me to reflect on my life and where I am. Being in the elements with the Lord helps me see things I wouldn't have seen before. 

God loves a sincere heart. It's an honest moment, and it makes me feel vulnerable. However, in the vulnerability, I can make changes. I must acknowledge where I am before deciding where I want to go. 

One of the most difficult parts of this challenge has been getting to know me on a deeper level. Going through hardships introduces us to ourselves. God knows right where we are. He sees through our facades. While we might be able to impress others, God sees what is in our hearts. And amid the battle, we also see beyond our pretenses. 

It breaks my heart how many times I have settled for heartache and tried to convince myself that's what I wanted. The enemy will try to starve us to death and have us pretend that we are full. 

The only way to break the stronghold is to follow the Lord and let Him open our eyes. It's an excruciating process. Some things are so hard to see, sweet friends. But the wider I open my eyes to the truth, the closer I get to God. 

Have a wonderful day!

The View From The Top

I almost didn’t go. Some of the girls in my fitness group had planned a hike. A nine-mile hike, mostly uphill to be exact. It seemed so fun and I was excited to go. Then, this week my rib come out of alignment again and my IT band was inflamed. At one point, I had pretty much talked myself out of it. The feeling of giving up, without even trying, however, did not sit well with me. It reminded me of why I started my fitness journey in the first place. I wanted to be well enough to go on hikes and live my life the way I wanted to live. 

Of all the great things that I’ve been blessed to do in my life, they have all been despite my circumstances. My condition is chronic. It’s not like I can wait to get better. In all honesty, I’m in the best shape of my life. I’ve been much worse than I am now. 

Today is the day to do the things we want to do. Tomorrow may not come. I may not ever get better than I am right now. I don’t want to be denied the chance to enjoy my life. So I decided to go. While I knew the hike would be painful on my body, I also knew the pain of regret would be even harder to withstand. 

I’m hurting as I write this, but I didn’t give up. I climbed to the very top of the mountain and God blessed me with the beauty of His creation. Words and pictures cannot do it justice. And now I have another victory from my God. The feeling of overcoming blessed my soul. 

We are all so much stronger than we realize. Sometimes the hardest part is just deciding to do it. When we take the first step, God walks with us the rest of the way. When I reach the end of my strength and feel as if I can’t do it anymore, then He strengthens me. 

Love and blessings, 

Candida

Trusting God Through The Hard Times

Life can be so incredibly hard sometimes. One minute everything is fine and the next, we are struggling and wondering how we will survive. It is during these times that I feel the closest to my Lord. Heartache and uncertainty cause my heart to seek Him and desire His guidance and wisdom. 

Yesterday as I was feeling overwhelmed, I realized that I was feeling that way because I was trying to figure it all out by myself. As I picked up my Bible, God gave me several verses to read. They all soothed my troubled heart and gave me comfort. So I wanted to share them with you. 

Romans 8:28 (KJV)

28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

Psalm 37:4-5 (KJV)

4 Delight thyself also in the Lord: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.

5 Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.

Psalm 46:10 (KJV)

10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.

Isaiah 43:7 (KJV)

7 Even every one that is called by my name: for I have created him for my glory, I have formed him; yea, I have made him.

Isaiah 43:20 (KJV)

20 The beast of the field shall honour me, the dragons and the owls: because I give waters in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert, to give drink to my people, my chosen.

Joshua 1:9 (KJV)

9 Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.

It’s hard for me to be worried about anything after reading these verses. God will make a way for me, give me the desires of my heart, and it will all workout for my own good. I just have to trust Him. 

Love and blessings, 

Candida