The Struggle: How to Overcome the Impossible

Tuesday, I couldn’t decide if I wanted to cry or go back to bed. My body ached and I couldn’t seem to get past the misery. I moped around and finally drug myself to gym—expecting my workout to lift my spirits. My experience, however, was not what I hoped for.

My body felt heavy and uncooperative. Ignoring all negativity, I decided to run. It was hard, okay brutal. My rib hurt, a blister developed on my foot after the first mile, and my legs were heavy. Being the stubborn person that I am, I refused to give up—even when my legs felt numb. So I pushed beyond my limits.

And then the treadmill just stopped. I was furious. It was like the machine knew that I didn’t have enough sense to step off, so it just quit. Instead of stretching and leaving, I went to the elliptical for a few miles. Every movement hurt and I realized after two miles that I couldn’t do it. I tried to dig deep, but I had nothing left to give. Defeated, I grabbed my things and left.

At the time, I couldn’t see that I had still managed three miles with numbness and tingling in my feet and legs. Then I remembered my daddy’s words of wisdom, “You’re doing better than what you think”.

Instead of feeling better though, I dwelled on what I couldn’t do. And I believed what I had always assumed and been told.

Running was impossible for me—especially with a twisted pelvis and a foot affected by Amniotic Band Syndrome.

It was so hard for me to accept my limitations. But I tried. I even attempted to forgive my body for not being able to do something I truly wanted to do. Who am I kidding? It hurt. And I don’t like the disability card. Ever!

So I went back for one more attempt on Thursday. And I decided to try a new approach. When I set the treadmill to run the 5k, I began with a smile and praise for my Lord. As my feet pounded, I thanked God for every step, and for letting me not only walk that day, but for the ability to run. I prayed for all of those who are not able to walk and run, those fighting for their lives, and those who have heartaches and troubles.

When I reached the part where my whole body ached, I put one foot in front of the other and smiled at my reflection. I was only a mile into my run, when the screen showed that my course would get harder. For a moment, I wanted to stop. Step off the machine and agree with the doctors and the negative voice in my head—that I couldn’t run.

Then I realized it is during the most challenging times in our lives that we learn how to overcome. My legs were still moving. It was my mind that wanted to give up. So I focused on how it would feel to complete my course. And I’ll be quite honest, I imagined every time my foot came down that I was stopping on the devil, who threatened to steal my hopes and dreams.

With my heart and spirit, I finished my first 5k program. It took me 40 minutes to do my impossible.  I can do anything with God on my side.

While my aches and pains prove that I fought the battle, I also have the victory written in my heart. And that victory will remind me on the tough days to keep my eyes on my Lord.

Last year when walking was difficult for me, I lay in my bed and peddled an exercise bike that sat on my bed. When my feet were numb and painful, I pushed with my heart and the determination that I would get better.

The enemy will take our lives if we allow it. We need to fight with every ounce of strength we can manage. Every day we are in the biggest battle of our lives, and we get to decide what kind of solider we want to be. I want to fight a good fight. If we give up every time our course gets tough then we will never reach our full potential.

We have no idea what we are capable of until we try.  I have no limits, only possibilities waiting to be conquered.

The Survivor: How I found acceptance through Zippy

I will never forget the horrid feeling of being bullied. Words, sharp as knives, swiped at me over and over until it felt as if I would crumble. I remember trying to escape the pain and running to my safe haven. Looked inside a bathroom stall at school, restrained tears fell and begged God for help.

Scarred and ashamed, I believed the nasty words. When the bully yelled that I was ugly, it just confirmed what my heart already thought. And when they made fun of my scars, I had tried to pray away, my heart broken into a million pieces. Their words were so devastating and heartbreaking because I had already thought the same things daily. Even though the pain was unbearable, I kept it locked inside me. I didn’t want to share my feelings or heartache with anyone.

The day I looked into a coffin of a child, who had taken her own life, my feelings changed and my heart decided to do something to help. Years prior that could have been me. There was a time when I begged God to remove me from my pain—when I no longer wanted to live.

In my efforts to help others, I penned a children’s book about a little zebra without stripes.

But I couldn’t get it right. One million drafts later, God opened my eyes and allowed me to see things differently. When I finally wrote the ending, a lifetime of burdens and heartaches were destroyed. My scars and condition no longer hurt me. Acceptance is powerful. It transforms our heartaches into blessings.

My scars were no longer a burden, but beautiful blessings. God did not curse me with scars. He blessed me with life. The only thing about my life that changed was how I viewed it. We can cry over all of the things we don’t have, or we can learn to be thankful for our unique blessings. Sometimes we put too much thought into what we want for our lives ,and fail to see that God has a greater purpose for us. All I wanted was unscarred hands, arm, and foot, but God gave me so much more.

Every day I’m thankful to be alive and for the opportunity to raise my children. I’m so thankful to go into schools and promote kindness and encourage everyone to celebrate their differences and life. My scars have transformed me into a stronger person. I’m more compassionate and willing to help others along their journey.

I have learned that words and actions can only hurt us if we allow them to. Stares and whispers no longer have any control over me. All a stranger might see is my scars, but it is up to me to show them my heart. If they are staring at me that just means I have their undivided attention, and should use that moment to reflect God.

I know that every single day comes with challenges and obstacles, but I’m so grateful for each one. If given the choice, I would keep my scars. And I pray every day God will bless me to help someone in some way.

 “Zippy and the Stripes of Courage” is free on Amazon June 22, 23, and 24 only. I sincerely hope that you will download your free copy and share the information with others. You never know who might be struggling with their own issues and would benefit from reading Zippy’s story. 

http://www.amazon.com/Zippy-Stripes-Courage-ebook/dp/B0079LCLDM/ref=sr_1_4_title_1_kin?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1371903964&sr=1-4&keywords=Candida+Sullivan

It can be downloaded on the kindle, kindle app for iPhone and iPad, or your computer using the free kindle app.

While I’m no poet, this poem slipped out.

The Survivor

Past….

Scarred and ashamed
Filled with pain
Afraid to live
Bound by fears

 

Present….

God and acceptance
Squelched the bonds
Purpose and thankfulness
Transformed the inside

 

Future…

Now a window to God
Inspiring and helping others
A testimony of power
Reflecting God’s ultimate plan

 

The Bright Side

I’m a little discouraged. Okay, more than a little bit. I feel so helpless today. I have sciatica nerve pain and a twisted pelvis. I can’t sit, stand, or even lie down without discomfort. Walking is hard since my legs and feet are numb. I’m trying to be optimistic, but, day six of constant pain, makes it difficult.

My to-do list is buried underneath my pile of work and, in all honesty, I just want to be able to do it all. I love working and accomplishing my goals, but my mind is absorbed with this debilitating pain.

I hate complaining and whining, and having so many limitations. Today, I feel so small and fragile. But then as the tears spill from my eyes, I remember that God counts and understands them all.

The enemy may knock me down, but my God can turn this heartache into a blessing. When I humble my heart and look to Him, great things can happen. His work is the greatest of all, and I’m so blessed that He chose me.

My strength often falters, but there is something greater inside of me. Regardless of my battle, or the intensity of the storm, God always gives me a spark of hope, and everything that I need to keep going. During these painful moments, He doesn’t leave me alone. He is always by my side.

One day this will only be a memory. I’ll look back with a thankful heart at how God delivered me from the enemy’s hand, and the beautiful gift this trial obtained.

For now, God gives me a glimpse of our battles, and reminds me of the amazing victories.

·         He spared me from the entanglement of the Amniotic Bands and blessed me with life.

·         He gave me enough courage and strength to always find my own way to do things.

·         He helped me to overcome my scars and accept it all.

·         He bestowed me the beautiful gift of words and blesses me to share it with others.

·         He provided me enough faith to believe in Him, and be saved.  

·         And so many more.

When I start thinking about all that we’ve been through together, my spirit is renewed. The devil no longer has any power over me. My adversary may cause my body lots of pain and suffering, but he cannot touch what is inside me. And when I look to God, we can defeat the enemy, every single time.

 

I started this blog with tears and ended with a smile. Perspective is everything!

 

 

Who Are You Really?

I was watching an interview with Oprah and she asked her guest this question. It made me stop and think and examine my life for a moment.

Who Am I?

I am a child of the King. I am a survivor of Amniotic Band Syndrome. I was born with a purpose and prospered with love. I am nothing, but my God is everything to me. He is the one who blesses me with everything I am.

It is because of His grace and mercy that I am a mommy, wife, daughter, sister, friend, survivor, author, witness, servant, etc. He is the One who created me. He is the One who teaches me. He is the One who molds me. He is the One who prospers me. He is the One who loves me and blesses me to share His love. He is the One who holds me secure and shelters me from the storms. He is the One who allowed me to live—when I should have died.

 

There is something so beautiful about living a thankful life. To wake up each morning and know there is a purpose for your life, far beyond your own understanding. There is a great peacefulness in knowing God has a plan. And it all works to your own good.

There are times when I feel like my feet are dragging through mud and I’m not going anywhere or accomplishing anything. There are times when I feel so small in this great big world. There are times when it all seems hopeless. And that’s when God intercedes and reminds me to do what is possible for me to do and leave the impossible to Him. 

I love it when He gives me a little glimpse of where is all started and how far He has brought me.

Only God could take a person ashamed of her scars and make her thankful for them. Only God could take a person afraid of her own reflection and make her a window for Him. Only God could take a tragedy and turn it into a blessing.

I am a living testimony of His greatness.

Sometimes I think about it. God could have taken me as a baby and I would have never had to suffer. And the end of my journey would be the same. However, it was God's will that I live. It was His will that I live my life for Him. And that’s what I try to do.

I am a work-in-progress. I have tons of faults and failures, but I continue to try. I love deeply and am loved even more deeply. I don’t have all of the answers nor questions to life, but I know the One who does.

By the grace of God, I am blessed to be many things, but the most important is a sinner saved by His wonderful grace. It’s not who I am that matters, but He who lives in me.

Who are you really?

The Next Chapter

In the midst of heartaches and adversity, God is there. He is our beacon of hope during the strongest of storms. He knows our thoughts, ways, the paths we take and the exact combination of it all to help us weather the storms. He knows during these difficult times we need inspiration and encouragement, so He gives us God moments.

When I started writing my book Underneath the Scars, it felt as if a great warfare was raging inside me. It was one of the hardest, trying, most painful moments of my life. There were so many times when I wanted to quit; times when I wanted to be stubborn and refuse God. There were times when I couldn’t understand the purpose of the book and very seriously doubted that my story would ever touch another life.

And my God was so patient with me. He was so kind, gentle, and longsuffering. He knew my heart. He knew I wasn’t refusing Him out laziness or disrespect. He knew I was terrified and hurting. That’s when He gave me a special gift. He gave me this picture.

Calen drinking from a straw.

It is the most precious picture I think I have ever seen. The first time my eyes glimpsed it, I was heartbroken. All I could see was a baby with no hands, in a world that demands them. I thought about all of the trials he would face in life and I would cry—desiring a way to help him and others affected. When I thought I couldn’t write another word and I couldn’t possibly finish my book, God would take me to this picture. It was my reminder to write from my heart. God reminded me that there was a purpose and a great need for it.

As the words filled my blank pages, a change took place inside of me. With every grain of acceptance I received, my thoughts and feelings began to change. And then one day as I come to the ending of Zippy and the Stripes of Courage, my perspective changed as well.

When I glimpsed this picture from my heart, I saw a baby who survived! He went through the trauma; he has the scars to prove it, but he survived. He lived when so many die. God gave him life, hope, love. He gave him determination. In this picture, he didn’t know he was different. He didn’t know that he wasn’t supposed to be able to do it. I believe that whatever heartaches, trials and challenges he faces, God will deliver him out of them all.

Through it all, God showed me about strength, perseverance, and the power of our thoughts and beliefs. He showed me that anything is possible through Him. He taught me about thankfulness and hope.

I love it when He reminds me my life belongs to Him and shows me the beautiful gift of life and love. The last few months have been hard for me. I’ve battled pain and so many different emotions. At times I feel like I have been knocked down and the devil is kicking me.

And then I get this picture—unexpectedly. They say a picture holds a thousand words and I agree.

Calen holding Zippy and the Stripes of Courage. That smile reminds me Calen is a SURVIVOR of Amniotic Band Syndrome!

I know that it’s time to open my heart and write more books for my Lord. Honestly, I had hoped the next ones would come easy, but I realize that won’t be the case at all.

We have to be in the valley to work for the Lord. We have to come to the end of our strength before we start searching for His voice. We have to seek our own understanding and guidance from God, before we find the gift of knowledge and wisdom to help others.

Ecclesiastes 1:18 KJV

For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow.

I desire to be obedient to my Lord. I pray that I will do whatever He places on my heart to do. I hope I can get my thoughts, feelings, and fears out of the way and walk by faith for Him. He deserves praise, honor, and glory.

I don’t know why He chose me as the bearer of this beautiful gift. I feel so unworthy and then again so thankful. There is a part of me (my flesh) that truly dreads this process. It’s hard and painful at times. Especially, when my heart becomes burdened to write and I struggle against it.

However, the blessings are far greater than the grief. There is one thing know for sure. I don’t write for money or fame, I write because my Lord blesses me to write His word and sometimes share it with others.