Not Right Now

There comes a point when we need to step back and evaluate our lives. Look at each aspect honestly, pray and make decisions. Life is a constant array of changes, however we are the ones who should decide the parts that need to be changed and the ones that are steadfast and unmovable.  

I hate this whole honesty with myself exploration. It hurts. I don’t like to look at my faults and failures, bounds and limits. I like to believe I can do anything my heart beckons me to do. However, my mind is a different realm of possibilities. It is stubborn and persevering, regardless of the ramifications and injuries along the way.

And that is my problem in a nut shell. I’m so bound and determined to do everything that sometimes I don’t see my actions are hurting me. Who cares what so and so can do! It’s about me and what I can do. I’m the only one who feels my pain—literally.

Anytime I start putting limits on me and using words like can’t, impossible, too hard, etc. it messes with my equilibrium and makes me shift my focus, causing me an assortment of self-doubt. And that makes me just want to give up on everything.

However, there has to be a common place in the middle.

I want to be a good mommy, wife, daughter, sister, friend, author, employee, solider for my Lord, etc. I don’t want to disappoint anyone, so I push until there’s nothing left to give.

At the end of the day, my body aches and my mind races toward the possibilities of just giving up. I know I have to make changes in my life. If I continue on the path I’m on, I will end up injured an unable to do anything.

That’s where the prayer comes in. I need to decide with each task if it is truly important or something that is insignificant.  I need to remind myself once again that it’s okay to say no. It’s okay to not go to some events. It’s okay to ask for help. I’m the one stressing me out. I’m so tired of thinking that I cannot admit when things hurt me or are hard for me to do. I still struggle with the notion that people will see me as disabled if I admit I have hardships. But you know what? I’m nothing, anyway. My lord is my strength. He is everything and He already knows all about me.

Yesterday, He wouldn’t allow me to write my blog entry and I tried. He had something to show me. I was the one who decided it needed to be written and posted on Thursday. That was never the timetable He gave me. So often I stress about things, when all I need to do is pray about them. God doesn’t put His foot on us and push us into the ground. He lifts us up! He knows when my strength ends and His begins. Most of all, He knows my heart. He knows the things I desire to do. He also knows that sometimes people take advantage of me and expect more than I’m able to give.

I think we should all look at everything we do and understand why we do each task. We need to put each task in categories by their importance. We need to stop and ask ourselves who we are doing it for anyway and why are we doing it. What will happen if we don’t do it? We need to be honest with ourselves and our justifications.

I don’t tell myself I can’t do these things or they are not important. I just remind myself—not right now. Perhaps one day if it’s the Lord’s will, I will be able to do more. If not, there’s a reason why. And that’s good enough for me.

It’s hard to smile when you’re in pain

See the sunshine through the rain
Hide the recesses of doubt etched in your heart
Keep moving when you feel like falling apart

One of these days I will be okay
And I will never again have to say
I can do it, just not right now
I know I can, I’m just not sure how
I’ll keep trying until I find my way
Don’t let me be defeated God, I pray

Help me fight
With all my might
Renew my strength
Restore my faith
Help me keep my eyes on you
The One who helps me make it through
Each and every day
Help me Lord, I pray!

Happy Dr. Seuss Day!!

Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple. ~Dr. Seuss