I Don’t Care: The Lies of Self-destruction

Several years ago, this became my daily saying, “I don’t care.” Everything that was going wrong in my life was replaced with this mantra.

Realization: I’ve gained weight

Response: I don’t care. Life is too short to eat “diet food”.

Realization: I’m not happy with my job.

Response: I don’t care. I tried to go back to school, but no one would help me.

Realization: I don’t feel like I have a friend in the world

Response: If people don’t like me, it’s their loss. I don’t care.

Regardless of my problem, I was the victim. It was always someone else’s fault. I didn’t take responsibility for my actions. Nor did I realize that I was depressed. I had turned cold and bitter, and shut nearly everyone out—including God.

One morning, I was able to break through to myself. As I tried to squeeze into my favorite jeans, I tore a gaping hole in them. I tried to tell myself that I really didn’t care, but as I looked in the mirror I realized that I did care. Very much.

As the restrained tears fell, I realized that I was overwhelmed physically, mentally, and spiritually. Yes, I went to church, but I didn’t serve God nor worship Him. Yes, I had gained some weight, but it was more than that. I didn’t like the person underneath it all. And then I discovered the most important part; it was no one’s fault but my own. I continuously made bad choices, and created a perfect storm of misery for myself.

Once I was ready to ask for forgiveness and more forward, God was there to help me. He helped me to change my mind-set. In my experience and knowledge, it is impossible to be happy without God being the center of our life. When we focus on Him; seeking His knowledge, wisdom, and understanding then we are able to truly live.

Climbing out of the depression hole was extremely hard. I had to change my thoughts and my daily routine. Ignoring my problems did not make them go away. In fact, it added to my problems and made them multiply. Being honest was imperative. It was necessary for me to peel back the layers on my heartaches, and dig to the very bottom of my grief.

Even though God had already forgiven me, I had to forgive myself and become my own best friend. Next, I had to tune into my inner self and discover what I needed to move forward in my life. And that is what I want to share with you.

·    **   We all need total acceptance of ourselves. We have to realize that God created us for a purpose; His  purpose, and we need to seek Him until we discover it.

·   **     We need unconditional love, for others as well as ourselves. God is love. The more we exhibit His  love, the more love we will welcome into our own lives.

·   * *  The “I don’t care lifestyle” is of no benefit to anyone. God gives us all a unique and beautiful life.  It’s up to us whether we accept and nurture His gift or waste it.

·  * *  People can only hurt us if we allow them to. When the broken are lashing out, they need our  understanding, forgiveness, prayers, and love.

The devil wants our lives. He wants to destroy us all. God, on the other hand, wants us to enjoy our lives. Imagine being in a cage with the devil. Would you fight for your life? Or simply lie down and accept defeat?

Fight, my friends—with everything inside of you! Not with others, but with the enemy inside of you. Fight for your happiness. Fight for your own acceptance. And fight for your life. Don’t allow the enemy to win.

It makes me sad for all of the moments of my life that I wasted and missed. Now I’m genuinely happy. I no longer go through the motions of my life, but everyday I’m learning how to live—with love and gratitude in my heart and peace in my soul.  

May God bless you,

Candida

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Gift of Hope: Do You Embrace Your Purpose?

Several years ago, I endured the darkest time of my life. My body was plagued with pain, I wasn’t able to work, and my heart ached, continuously. During the day, I tried to put my misery aside and care for my home and children, but at night I cried until all of my tears were gone. Every night, alone on my deck, I talked to God and cried. My misery stemmed from my unwillingness to do His work and my rejection of His purpose for me.

I didn’t want to be scarred or to live in constant pain. Fighting every day to do simple tasks wasn’t what I wanted for my life. Yes, I wanted to be an author, but I wanted to be funny, and only write fictional stories that excluded any similarity to my life. Opening my heart and sharing my deepest heartaches was NEVER part of my dreams. It was, however, the desire of my heart. I just didn’t know it yet.

God was so patient with me through the process. Every time my heart began searching for understanding, God was there to instruct me. He comforted me as I cried, and gave me the encouragement, faith, and courage to keep going.

I will never forget the moment, when my heart asked Him why. Some viewed me as burden, fluke of nature, defect, etc. and even made comments that my scars were a punishment. Seeing the disgust on their faces made me feel even worse about myself. While some people believed that I should have never questioned God, I needed a new perspective about my scars. In most situations, there are two perspectives: spiritual and scientific. Since no one could satisfy me with the scientific explanation, I desired to know the spiritual reasoning.

Did God, in fact, have a reason for my scars?

One night, as I sat on the deck God gave me a glimpse of my scars’ purpose. A light shined upon my hands and extended from them. At first this vision scared me, and I closed my eyes. I rubbed my eyes, and breathed deeply. But when I opened them the light was still shining on my hands and I could feel His spirit in my heart. God showed me that my hands would give others hope. Sometimes it is so comforting to know that we are not alone in our journey.  And in that moment my feelings about my scars changed. My whole life I had been ashamed of my scars and tried to pray them away, but when the light faded I saw them with a different understanding. I was not punished with scars, but blessed with life—to love and be loved. My situation could have turned out differently. The bands could have wrapped around my body and taken my life, but God spared me. Since that day I have never looked at them the same way. I’m so thankful God blessed me to live. And for the beautiful testimony He placed in my heart to explain them.

Some people hate the word inspiration, and believe it is a form of pity. I believe it is a gift from God. Anytime that He will allow me to inspire another life is priceless. According to the definition in the Merriam-Webster dictionary, to inspire is a :  to influence, move, or guide by divine or supernatural inspiration. In my opinion, we should all strive to live an inspired life. 

My son captured this picture of my sister and me at an event. The first thing I saw was the light on my hands. As the tears fell from my eyes, I remembered that moment with God on my deck. Regardless of what people think of me, I know this is my purpose. As long as there is breath in my body, I pray that I will do His work and live my life for Him. To give others hope, when they feel hopeless, is a beautiful gift—it’s priceless.

Do you have a group, school, or event that you feel would benefit from hearing my story of hope? If so, please email me at candidasullivan@yahoo.com. 

May God bless you,

Candida Sullivan

God Turned My Suffering into Joy

While we all have tribulations, we serve a God who will help us overcome them all.

February 2013 changed my life. I woke up one morning to discover numbness and tingling in my legs. The sensations felt odd and painful. My feet were cold, my legs trembled as I walked, and pain attacked with each movement. Right away I went to my doctor, but my body did not respond well to the treatment.

As I lay in my bed and rested, I was absolutely terrified. Not only did I have problems in my legs and back, but my speech was slurred and my head throbbed. My throat hurt, and a fog of confusion covered my brain. My words would not come out right and my body hurt all over.

One night, during the worst of it, I begged God to give me the strength to continue serving Him. Regardless of my condition or suffering, I wanted to use it for His honor and glory. At this same time, my son was being bullied and I was trying to figure out how to help him through it. As I cried myself to sleep numerous nights, a little story filled my heart. Instead of focusing on my suffering, I focused on Zippy and how he could make a difference in the world.

As God inspired me to write about Zippy, I used the words in the book to help my son. And I remembered how it felt to be bullied myself— the times as a child that I prayed and asked God to send someone to help me. Sometimes all we need is hope. It makes a difference to our hearts to know that someone else has walked in our shoes and overcame the hardships.

Right before Zippy’s Club came out, my hopes and dreams were threatened. A doctor declared that I was disabled and urged me to sign up for a disability check. God, however, gave me hope that I would get better. He gave me scriptures and strength to keep trying, and a plan to make it happen. Instead of disability, I signed up for the gym, went on a gluten/dairy free diet, and focused on being well.

Now I smile as I reflect on that time in my life. The enemy will steal our dreams if we allow it. Because I didn’t give up, Zippy’s Club was turned into a play, Zippy has his own theme song, and this February my book was nominated for the 2015 Christian Small Publishers Association Book of the Year Award. And I have a new book coming out "Despite Your Circumstances", about my hardships and how God helped me overcome them all, to encourage others. God always turns my heartaches into blessings. 

My God is so good to me! He knew all of the good things He had planned for me and my life. And yet He gave me a choice. He let me decide if I wanted to give up or keep trying. Most often times we give up, when the blessing is right around the corner.

Whatever your struggle or heartache, don’t give up on yourself or God. This is your life! Don’t let the devil steal your joy. God has good things for us all, if only we learn to endure and embrace the hardships without giving up.

Would you please take a moment and vote for Zippy's Club? http://www.christianpublishers.net/15votes/ All you have to do is click on the link, enter your name, email address, and then select my book. Once you do that you can scroll to the very bottom and cast your vote. Thank you so much for taking a moment to do this for me!! Your kindness is greatly appreciated! 

Please share this link with your family and friends and ask them to vote as well. * Only one vote per person allowed.

Christmas Blessings

Do you remember my Christmas Letter?

A few years ago, I hit rock bottom. That November, I had to quit my job. I was struggling with my health, financially, and mentally. That Christmas, I felt so worthless. We barely had enough money to pay our bills, and buying gifts seemed impossible.

I remember having this immense feeling inside of me to give. And I thought, “What do I have to give anyone?” Then God showed me a little glimpse of the plan He had for me.

As the tears and words mixed, God blessed me to create a simple letter to share with my family and friends. For the first time, He blessed me to open my heart and share my hardships with others. Then, the most amazing thing happened. Everyone that I shared my story with shared their story with me. Hearing how my struggles and testimony helped others awoken something inside of me. God showed me that I had so much inside of me to give. He gave me hope and blessed me to share it with others.

Since that day God has blessed me to share my story with thousands. I’m the author of several books—including the Zippy books. And every Christmas I have this amazing feeling to give. Not just money or gifts, but to share my time, heart, hardships, and faith with others.

So today only, December 26, 2014, I’d like to offer you the opportunity to download all of my e-books FREE. Each book shares a unique part of my life, but more importantly they show how God turned my heartaches into blessings.

Please go to my Facebook page for the links to the free books, and share the links with your family and friends as well. https://www.facebook.com/pages/Candida-Sullivan/259832284064577

Merry Christmas! May God bless you and your family!

My Beautiful Life: Giving Up is Not an Option

Writing about the heartache always helps me, so please bear with me as I go through these challenges.

If we were to take all of my challenges and list them on paper, just looking at the facts without considering my determination and heart, then we would probably all conclude that I’m not able to work any longer. When we factor in all the time I spend getting chiropractic and osteopathic adjustments, exercising to relieve the pain, and time I spend hurting because of overuse then it just makes sense for me to stop. Rest. And focus on being well.

 In my mind, these suggestions make perfect sense to me. I hear the doctors, as they tell me over and over again to rest. I sigh and fight the tears every time they tell me I’ve traumatized an area of my body by working too much. At this point, quitting would seem the logical choice, but how does one do that?

As my body heals from not doing anything, what happens to my spirit and heart?

For ten months, I didn’t work. And that was the hardest ten months of my life. The part of me that hoped and dreamed started to die. I cried every single day. I didn’t have co-workers, accomplishments, interactions with people, or a sense of self-worth because I didn’t do anything—but rest.

My hands became so stiff that I could barely hold a coffee cup or even sign my name. I didn’t care about my appearance. Most days, I didn’t even get out of my pajamas. All I had to do was take my children to school and I struggled. The depression hurt far greater than the physical pain of overusing my body.

Fear overwhelmed me. I became so afraid of hurting myself that I tried to live inside a safe haven. Soon everything terrified me. My hope, faith, and strength diminished, and I felt so weak. I lived with the negative voice in my head, and it was hard for me to see anything positive.  

 Somewhere along the way, all of the negativity about my health had multiplied. I had stopped living and only existed. I don’t ever want to be in that shape again.

This is my life and I refuse to allow anyone or anything to take it from me. God has blessed me with a beautiful life. I have one of the greatest jobs in the world, and I refuse to give into the enemy.

So as I take a few weeks off from school visits and speaking engagements, I am praying that God will show me how to handle the next phase of my journey. I know He has a plan for me. We are not finished yet.

I may have to modify my life, but I won’t give up on it! I've worked too hard to give up now. After all, I'm the only one who can tell my story, and do the work He has purposed for me. Giving up is not an option for me!

Thank you for listening. May God bless you!

The Daily Struggle: How to Love Ourselves through the Hardships

Perfection is an illusion. No one is perfect. We might give others the illusion that we live in a perfect world, with a perfect life, but that’s just not possible.

Struggles are part of our everyday life. In some form, we all face some type of hardship continually. Once we get over that hurdle, we barely get a moment to catch our breath before another one is in our way. I asked my daddy once, when does it get easier? His reply, “It doesn’t get easier. You get stronger, and learn to handle it better.”

When faced with a new situation, it is always hard because it seems so overwhelming. Our minds kick into overactive mode and make the situation seem worse than it actually is. One of my biggest obstacles is the feeling that I’m not good enough to do this job God gave me to do. I know that I’m qualified through Him and that He helps me, but still my mind lists all my faults and failures. Sometimes I still feel like that little girl who was looked down upon. The enemy plays on our weaknesses. And when someone verbally acknowledges one of my fears or weaknesses, the doubt in my mind intensifies.

The more I think about it and embrace the negative feelings, the louder my negative voice becomes. This is a process that I am still learning because new obstacles arise continually. While we can’t completely stop bad, negative thoughts from forming, we can overcome them.

First, I seek God. I need His wisdom and guidance to get me through every obstacle in my life. Prayer and meditation are equally important. When I pray, I ask Him to help me. During meditation, I am quiet and listen for His instructions. It took me a while to understand this because I like to do all the talking. Every once in a while, however, I need to listen for His voice. And read my Bible.  

Second, I try to think about my situation. Why am I upset or hurt? What am I afraid of? And I give myself permission to cry and be upset—if I need to be. Tears are cleansing and they help us get over the hurt. It’s not good to hold our emotions inside.

Next, I put it into perspective. God always helps me with this. When I’m ready to see the situation differently, as it should be, God opens my eyes.

Finally, I establish my positive mindset. Once my feet are set just right, the enemy cannot move me.

Speaking of mindset, I decided to try a new approach with my health. I’ve had chronic pain for years. It’s been debilitating at times. Usually, when I’m in that painful state, my mind focuses on the hurt. So instead of focusing on the pain, I decided to focus on my wellbeing and abilities.

Every morning I wake up and tell myself how blessed I am to be alive. Then, I get ready and go to the gym. I don’t discuss it with myself. It’s not a question of whether I feel like it or not. I just go.

During the day, as the pain starts creeping in, I reinforce my positive feelings about my health. And slowly, the pain eases. Pain I’ve dealt with my whole life. Since I’m not a doctor, I can’t explain why or how this happens, but I assure you it works. I can’t remember the last time I felt this great. It’s almost as if I’ve finally given myself permission to be well.

I’ve come to realize, the only limitations I have are the ones I give myself. If I work hard and put in the effort, God will bless my efforts.

What are some ways you cope with hardships? 

Embrace Your Uniqueness: We Are All Perfectly Imperfect

Stare and whispers have always been a part of my life. Sometimes, however, people even approach me and take their rudeness to whole new level. Strangers have actually come up to me, without smiling or even introducing themselves, and asked me about my scars. People have yelled at me, grabbed my hands, and told me repeatedly to remove the band on my arm. If only it was that easy.

It took me most of my life to learn how to overcome the rudeness of others. After an incident, I would always feel bad for a few days and even withdraw from my life. Then I would have to restart the process of convincing myself that I wasn’t broken, or a monster all over again.

Now after an encounter, I brush it off quickly. I have learned to just bless their heart. They are the ones with the problem—not me. But I also want to educate others on how to treat me. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect. Regardless of their ugly behavior, I will not allow them to make me act ugly as well.  

It took me a long time to understand that when someone treats me badly it reveals their flaws, not mine. I already know that I’m not perfect. And I accept that. I also recognize that not everyone will like me. We cannot make other people love or accept us. However, if we love ourselves no one else’s opinion will matter. Just be you!

Once I accepted my imperfections, my scars transformed. They were no longer shameful or ugly. But God blessed me to see them for what they really are. Each one represents my gift of life. When I look at them I can see the attacks on my body, and how close I came to death.

In that moment, I decided to own my scars. I no longer hide them or try to pray them away. God gave them to me for a reason and they have helped me discover my purpose. Part of that purpose is for me to help others see their beauty as well and learn to embrace their life—scars and imperfections.

Recently, I had someone approach me at an event and tell me that my scars were no big deal to anyone around me because I didn’t make a big deal out of them. When we accept and embrace our differences, other people will, too.

And another thing, I’ve stopped looking for those stares. I smile and hold my head up. After all, I have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. And if I notice someone staring, I give them my best smile and a little glimpse of the woman underneath the scars. I’ve had people to tell me that when I smile they can see God in me. How amazing is that?

How do embrace your uniqueness?